the weird world of google
Wednesday, Jul. 31, 2002 @ 5:25 p.m.
This is another thing I thought I would add to the general hilarity. These are actual hits that I have seen on my stats counter.“shaving genitals” – I swear it was totally innocent. I just like talking about my hardwood floors.
"Calvin and Hobbes peeing" - I recollect complaining about those stupid stickers people put on their cars on the ULMB, but I don't remember mentioning it in my diary.
"pergo porn" - Isn't pergo that fake wood flooring? I don't even want to know how it can be pornographic.
"peeing Calvin on 49ers" - See above. Stupid Raiders fans.
"Hobbes peeing" - Enough, already!
"Vin Diesel Diaryland poems" - Umm, what?
"shaving" - Kind of vague, isn't it?
"round" - Could you be any less specific?
"sno-cone San Diego" - One thing or the other makes sense, but together...?
"hazard confection" - Somebody used the French-language google, and I'm #1, baby!
"rubyfuss" - Hey Jenn, someone is stalking you!
"the longest and most ostentatious display of sex" - *Falls on the floor laughing* I was talking about fleas, somebody sure must be disappointed!
"longest male member" - Also still talking about fleas.
"couples screwing on beach" - I beg your pardon?
"frozen nipples" - I am running out of comments to make about all these hits.
"enormous schlong" - There is absolutely nothing I can say about that.
"Sigourney Weaver stockings" - Oooookaaay.
"why do I get sick from Indian food?" - Beats me, I love it.
"Ralph Fiennes' penis" - Clearly someone has seen "Red Dragon" too many times.
"Arabic culture coughing"
"Buddha smilies"
"drunken girl"
"royale with cheese"
"'Criminal Intent' fanfic" - Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Oh my god! He just ordered a giant glass of milk!" - That cracked me up for some inexplicable reason. It's a line from Ghost World.
"Mockelock"
"cheese nightmares"
"fuck Emily" - Emily Dickinson?
"googles" - I was googled for googles. That boggles the mind.
"Lynn Stuckey breast" - er..."ancient Egyptian beer"
"pierced pinky toe" - ouch!
"pierced taint" - What's with all the piercing-related googles?
"turned on wearing sandals" - I don't find sandals all that alluring, really.
"wear my pretty panties"
"redheaded blow jobs" - Sorry to disappoint all you perverts.
"tweaker poems" - I bet they would be very short and all about scrubbing grout with a toothbrush.
"stepped on a bee"
"Janis Joplin rollerskates"
"female tweaker"
"I want a harlot for an hour" - Sorry, I only rent by the week.
"guestbook of harlot""redheaded bitches" - That's me all right.
"harlot" - What makes it weird is that it was Arabic Google.
"Japanese harlot" - I'm #1 baby!
"11th century pregnancy charts" - Sometimes I think these people are trying to wack google.
"pop out things that scare you"
"Brady Bunch incest" - what. the. hell?
"the proper way to wear eyeliner"
"need help to found koh incense from japanese" - Viva la Engrish!
"smilies :banana sex:"
"asian indian women shorter pregnancy"
"cyber café boy fucking"
"ouch my giant nipples"
"harlot to milk" - I don't even want to know.
"granny induce me" - Bwuh?
"sexy feet in Lebanon"
"foot torture tippy toe"
"weird eyes"
"pictures of cartoon sausages"
"weird female nipples"
"toys with pooping eyes" - Pooping eyes?!
"ice cream free smilies"
"pictures of pretty eyes with false eyelashes"
"scuba divers fucking"
"Calvin & Hobbes sex fanfic" - That is so utterly wrong.
"bees having 5 eyes"
"Detective Bobby Goren is a big man" - He certainly is.
"ugly Jessica Rabbit look-alike"
"harlot fetus"
"How can we find a harlot girl?" - Don't look at me!
"drug-coated nipples"
"homosexuality in animals"
"pop goes weasel perverted"
"snorting lines off of her"
"red meat craving"
"do kids say ax instead of ask" - Not around me, if they want to live!
"celebrity cartilage piercing"
"looking for girlfriend money no object" - That's rather pathetic.
"definition of Darrell"
"sketching of bondage in middle ages"
"rate my schlong" - Make me.
"hot dogs shaped like animals"
"veterinarians are assholes" - I deny ever saying any such thing.
"joan rivers stone washed denim"
"blow my nose like an elephant"
"eyes that shaped history"
"deep suck spic" - Do I even want to know?
"tongue builds up gunk" - Try brushing it.
"juicy burp"
"the myth about black men penis size"
"old english judy harlot"
"deer fetus for eyes" - the fuck??
"ben folds makes me wanna scream" - You hush, I like Ben Folds!
"i wear a diaper because i did not have any panties" - Dude, TMI.
"fat men fucking each other"
"irish penis length"
"penis shaped cakes"
"she kissed my lesbian ass" - Thanks for sharing.
"penis length tax"
"insane bathmat"
"pictures of weird things that people do to their genitals"
"ugly weird-shaped penis" - What the fuck is WRONG with you people?!
"take 6 Vicodins" - 2 is my limit.
"peeing porn"
"bitch hit me with a toaster" - Hee! It's a line from "Scrooged"
"banana sex poems" - Someone seriously needs to get a life.
"perverted Halloween costume"
"skidmarked knickers"
"no panties in grocery store"
"pierced female tit OR tits OR nipple OR nipples OR pierced OR amateur -clit -pussy -gay -male -man -men" - DUDE. Maybe you oughta take a deep breath and a valium.
"nude 8 year olds" - That ain't even cool. And you won't find any here, so move it along, Pervy McPervert.
"penis-shaped hot dogs" - Aren't hot dogs normally penis-shaped?
"fuck my ass with weird things" - What are you, lazy? Do it yourself!
"beer googles" - Did you mean beer goggles?
"Clay Aiken is very very gay" - He certainly certainly is.
"glort hole" - I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume you meant glory hole.
"stupid no-panties"
"how did Gandalf get his staff back?" - The eternal question. And I have no idea.
"nelson muntz recipes" - *points* Ha ha!
"electric razors for the mentally retarded"
"man caught having sex with pig"
"ostracod leicester university siveter" - Jigawhaaa?
"giant talking penis costume"
"mullet" - Hee!
"I've fallen and I can't get up!"
"let the fools have their tartar sauce" - One of my favorite Mr. Burns lines ever.
"cartoons eating breakfast in the morning" - Well, when else would they eat it?
"right under my butt" - It's always the last place you look.
"over making heart breaking so shaking"
"weird things found in peoples butts"
"celebrities nipples that pop out"
"who put the bullet in the furnace?" - Hey Cos, he's talking about your mother.
"fuck fuck fuck fuck incest babe" - HA HA.
"toe fucking" - Toe fucking? Toe fucking?!
"Gillian Anderson washes socks" - Well, she can't very well go around in smelly socks, can she?
"how to put on sanitary napkin" - You stick it to the bottom of your knickers, dumbass. What kind of retard has to google for that? It's not rocket science.
"how do i grout my penis" - Grout your penis?? I hope there's another definition of grout that I'm not aware of.
"proper way for man to fuck dog" - If you're fucking dogs, etiquette should be the last thing you're worried about.
"lesbian fanfic (breast milk)"
"KAAAAAAAAHN" - Hahaha! Wrath of Kahn.
"photo of Lady Murasaki Shikibu" - Dude, Murasaki lived in the 11th century. Like, 700 years before photography was invented.
"ring dang doo" - Hee!
"vampire rabbit cartoon"
"stupid and mindless" - Well, you've certainly come to the right place.
"sewn up bum"
"ridiculously long toes"
"muppet throw fish"
"potato booty"
"you are a typical chinese if your mom has a short curly hair perm" - If you say so.